Hello and welcome to !
by Swordy McSwordy
Summary: An insane interview show where Brawl characters are interviewed by Ghirahim and Fi from The Legend of Zelda! If you want to interview/torture your favourite smashers, come on in!
1. Chapter 1

***Spotlights are turned on, revealing two figures in plush leather chairs***

**Cheery Voice:** Hello and welcome to ! And here are our hosts, Ghirahim and Fi from Skyward Sword!

**Fi:** I predict a 95% probability that the oddly high and cliched voice used to introduce us will have left approximately 84% of our audience feeling highly annoyed,leaving around 16% feeling only mildly irritated.

**Ghirahim:**If you'd allowed me to deafen our 'audience' with the sounds of their own prolonged, tortured screams, they wouldn't have to worry about annoying noises.

**Fi:** Information: If you had used your... questionable torture techniques, approximately only 12% of our audience would have survived with their bodies and minds intact.

**Ghirahim:** No! If I was in a particularly bad mood I would only leave 9%... How do I put this, alive? So the point of this nice little show is we ask Brawl contestants various questions and they have to answer, or else I get to torture them! Weee! So first up we have that man with the light, young body, the one that I would just love to strap to my **table** in the dungeon and take a knife to his smooth, supple skin. Oh yes! I would slice him open and revel in his sweet, sweet screams. Ohhhh, I can almost hear them now, echoing around that room as I laugh and laugh and...

**Fi:**I estimate a 73% chance that all potential viewers have been deterred by that... strange statement.

**Ghirahim: **Wimps! Fine, here he is, Link!

**Link: **I don't want to come out after hearing that.

**Ghirahim:**According to your legally binding contract, if you don't come out, I am legally able to enact that fantasy of parting your well moisturized skin from your sturdy, snow-white bones.

**Link: *hastily walks out, face bone-white***

**Ghirahim:** There,was that so hard? Anyway, our first question comes in from PeachyPrincess777(Oh, how original, Peach...) who asks: **"Link, why aren't you going out with Zelda yet? You two are such a cute couple and she's obviously totally into you. Love, Peach 3"**

**Zelda:** ***from backstage*** Remind me that I owe Peach a slap.

**Link:**Well-

**Fi:** Because there is a 99.99999784% chance that Link prefers my shapely form to the flawed,inferior form of Zelda.

**Zelda: **Link, is that true?

**Link: **Well... Uhhh...

**Fi: **Would now be an inappropriate time to mention the many times I heard you lovingly whisper my name when you thought I could not hear you?

**Zelda:** WHAT?

**Ganondorf:** Cat fight! _Meow_!

**Link: *Grabs Toon Link* **Gaze upon his cute, impish face and forget your argument! Please?

**Toon Link: **What's a cat fight?

**Zelda:** Now you're hiding behind a CHILD? So you're not just unfaithful, you're a coward too! AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

**Lucario:** ***Drags a hysterical Zelda offstage***

**Ghirahim: **I haven't that much fun since the last time I was in the torture chamber! Our next victim is Toon Link! Your question is from MasterSword4ever, (really Link? You couldn't come up with a better username?)who asks: **"Toon Link, how does it feel to be inferior to Link in every way?"**

**Zelda:** _MasterSword4ever?_ So you _do _like Fi better than me!

**Toon Link: **I'mcuter than him!

**Fi:** 84.623% of fangirlswould like to disagree with you.

**Toon Link: ** Not the six year-old fangirls!

**Ghirahim:** The very fact that six year-old fangirls exist reminds me of how delightfully twisted this wold is.

**Fi: **Moving swiftly onwards to hold on to the miniscule percentage of viewers still paying attention, our next interviewee is Zelda.

**Zelda: *floats onto stage* **Link, I love you thiiiiiiiiiis much!***holds out arms wide* **

**Fi:** Judging by Zelda's more irrational than usual behaviour, I would suggest that there is a 52% chance she has had an overdose of valium. There is also a 48% percent chance that she has overheard the insufferable pink ball locally referred to as Jigglypuff attempting to sing.

**Zelda:** Oh, yeah... Lucario took me to a Jigglypuff concert!

**Ghirahim:** Anyway druggy, your question also comes in from PeachyPrincess777 (We should limit Peach to one question per episode...) who asks: **"Zelda, why aren't you and Link going out yet? He's a real cutie and you two make a great couple! Love, Peach 3"**

**Zelda: **Did you just call my boyfriend _a cutie?_ Is everyone after my boyfriend! AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

**Fi: **Recommendation: Zelda should attempt to calm hersel-

**Zelda: **YOU CAN SHUT UP TOO, YOU SLUT!

**Lucario: *Drags a hysterical Zelda offstage again* **This is becoming a habit for me...

**Link: **Ghirahim, how long will Jigglypuff's song's effects last?

**Ghirahim: **I don't know much about sleeping songs, chloroform is my area of expertise. Anyway, next time we're torturing/interviewing Fox, Falco and Wolf!So please send in your questions!

**Cheery Voice: **Thanks for watching ! Goodbye and goodnight!

**Ganondorf: **Hey, aren't _I_ enough of a major villain to deserve a ques-

***Lights turn out***


	2. Chapter 2

**Cheery Voice: **Hello, and welcome back to ! And let's welcome our hosts Fi and Ghirahim!

**Ghirahim: **I still say we should start the show by me slicing open the succulent flesh of the viewers-

**Fi: **There is an 88% chance we don't _have _viewers for you to use your, quite frankly, sloppy torture techniques on.

**Ghirahim: **I thought you didn't like torture.

**Fi:** I don't like _your_ method of torture. My methods are like a surgical scalpel to your blindly swinging broadsword.

**Ghirahim: **I use surgical scalpels!

**Fi: **Information: hacking wildly with a surgical scalpel is _not_ using a surgical scalpel.

**Ghirahim: *pouts*** Anyway, on with the show. Our guests today are truly out of this world...Yes, I am into bestiality, please welcome Fox, Falco and Wolf! ***Enter Fox, Falco and Wolf***

**Fi:** Must you make a habit of attempting to traumatize our viewers?

**Ghirahim: **I'm not traumatizing them, I'm simply opening their minds. Now, our first question comes in from ShiverIntheLight (don't worry, with skin this pale, mild sunlight scares me too), who asks **"Falco, why do you and Fox always argue? Aren't you both supposed to be comrades?"**

**Falco: **Let's just say that there's a reason that we argue like an old married couple.

***Silence***

**Ghirahim: **And that reason is...?

***Silence***

**Ghirahim:** You do both realize that I can just torture the answer out of you?

**Fox:** We _are_ an old married couple!

**Wolf:** Wait, you two are...

**Fi:**Acceptable synonyms include, but are not limited to: queer, homosexual, homo, fruity,on the other bus, more interested in the magic wand than the wishing well etc.

**My fellow author has been wanting to use that last phrase for years.~Swordy**

**Wolf:** Well, I wouldn't have said it quite like that...***shivers***

**Ghirahim:** Wait, Wolf, are you... _afraid?_

**Wolf:** NO! I ain't afraid of nothin'! Don't make me bust a cap in yo ass!

**Fi:** Information: judging by Wolf's response and the beads of sweat that have appeared on his forehead, I predict a probability of 96.749% that Wolf is literally homophobic: afraid of homosexuality.

**Fox: **Is that true? ***reaches toward Wolf***

**Wolf: *girly scream***

**Falco: **WOW! This is so -BEEP-ing awesome!

**Fox:** Falco, honey, don't be so vulgar.

**Ghirahim: **Our next three questions come in from writes4u (unless you have any gory yaoi stories, you don't write for me.), who wonders **"Falco and Wolf, why don't you guys get your own Final Smash?"**

**Falco: **I do! Landmaster is _my_ final smash!

**Fox:** Umm, no babe, I'm the main hero, so the landmaster is obviously mine.

**Wolf:** You guys are ignoring a crucial fact: the bad guy always gets the coolest stuff so the landmaster belongs to me.

**Falco:** Let's settle this with a brawl! LANDMASTER!

**Fox: **LANDMASTER!

**Wolf: **LANDMASTER!

***One brawl which ends in three simultaneous self destructs later...***

**Ghirahim**: Excluding the senseless violence, that was a pointless waste of time.

**Fi:** It was _all_ senseless violence.

**Ghirahim:** No, there was some talking, too, but the exquisite bloodshed made up for it.

**Fi: **Our next question is for Fox: **"How do you feel about Krystal most likely being in SSB4?"**

**Fox: **It'll be great! We can chat about hair and shoes and boys and-

**Wolf:** Yo! It'll be awesome! I can use Fox as an excuse to walk in on her in the shower!

**Falco:** You don't think it'll be a bit awkward working with your ex?

**Fox: **Oh, that's all in the past. I'm sure she's gotten over me by now.

***Enter Zelda***

**Zelda: **YOU D***HEAD! YOU PROBABLY BROKE THAT POOR GIRL'S HEART WHEN YOU TOLD HER YOU LIKED SOMEONE ELSE! I BET YOU DID IT IN A REALLY COWARDLY WAY, TOO! OR WERE YOU TOO MUCH OF A COWARD TO EVEN ADMIT IT, HIDING BEHIND A CHILD AND FORCING HER TO GO NEUROTIC ON INTERNATIONAL TELEVISION!

**Link: *from offstage* **I said I was sorry, honey!

**Fi: **I estimate a 100% probability that your apology had no effect on Zel-

**Zelda: **AND YOU SHUT UP TOO, B****!** *pulls Fi's hair***

**Fi: *slaps Zelda***

**Ganondorf: *from offstage* **Finally! The long-awaited catfight!

**Wolf: *grabs Link's arms***

**Link:** What are you doing?!

**Wolf: **Restrainin' you in case yo stupid enough to break it up!

**Link: **Aren't you going to restrain Fox or Falco?

**Fox and Falco: *making girly screaming/chirping noises***

**Link:** Oh.

**Ganondorf: **Zelda! It does more damage if you rip her clothes off!

**Zelda: **LIKE THIS? ***Rips open Fi's top***

**Fi: *rips off Zelda's top***

**Wolf and Ganondorf: **AWESOME.

**Ghirahim:** Zelda! Use this! ***Throws Zelda a greatsword***

**Zelda: *cuts Fi, sending blood flying***

**Ghirahim: **AWESOME. Now if only they were men...

**Pissed off Master Hand:** **_GHIRAHIM! THERE WILL BE NO BLOOD IN THIS SHOW! FI, I EXPECTED BETTER FROM YOU!_**

**Fi: *whines* **There is a 108.768% chance that Zelda started it.

***One stern talking to by Master Hand later...***

**Ghirahim: **Ahem. Now our next question is from the unknown assassin (really? Can't you guys think of anything less cliched?), who wants to know:** "Fox, what's with the whole 'do a barrel roll' thing?"**

**Fox:** Well, this one time, in mine and Falco's room on Corneria, Peppy walked in on us... having fun. Anyway, it turned out that he _liked_ watching gay couples and he wanted to watch us do some position called 'a barrel roll'. We refused, but he wouldn't stop bugging us about it.

**Falco: **I still say we should have taken his money...

**Ghirahim: **Our next question is for Wolf: **"Wolf, what is your opinion on the yaoi pairings with you?" **

**Wolf: **Yaoi?***shivers* **I'm mo' of a yuri guy, myself.

**Fox and Falco:** I thought those yaoi pairings were pretty good.

**Ghirahim:** Meh, needed more blood.

**Fi: **Our final question of today's show is from Duskzilla, who asks: **"Wolf, what happened to your eye? Did Fox's dad shoot it out or something?"**

**Ghirahim:**Dustzilla? Oh, no! Godzilla made out of dust? Terrifying! If you're the person who has to clean it up.

**Fi:** I said _Dusk_zilla. _Dus_**_k_**.

**Ghirahim: **I knew that. Anyway, on with the question.

**Wolf:** ***eyes glaze over***

_**Fox's dad:** I am going to shoot out your eye now._

_**Wolf:** Oh no._

_**Fox's dad:** Kerblammo. ***shoots out Wolf's eye***_

***Back in the present***

**Ghirahim: **Well that was underwhelming.

**Fox:** He said the same thing to me when he found out I was gay.

**Ghirahim: **I didn't even know we had the money for flashbacks...

**Fi: **To summarise today's episode: Fox and Falco are an old married couple without a kinky side, Wolf is literally homophobic, Zelda's still neurotic-

**Ganondorf: **And you two are sexy as f**k!

**Fi:** This show can't afford decent flashbacks and Ghirahim is still making fun of the viewers' names.

**Ghirahim: **Anyway, next time we'll be interviewing Samus, Ridley and a metroid! So send in your questions! Note: I said _questions_, NOT dares. This isn't a truth or dare! Send in any more dares and I swear I will castrate you.

**Fi: **What if they're females?

**Ghirahim: **Then I'll cut off their breasts. Lets see them seduce men now!

**Cheery Voice: **Thank you and goodnight!

**Ganondorf: **Wait! Didn't _I _get any ques-

***Lights go out***


	3. Chapter 3

**Cheery Voice : **Hello and welcome to ! Please welcome our hosts, Ghirahim and Fi!

**Ghirahim: **…

**Fi: **What? No whining about not being able to carry out your quite frankly sloppy torture techniques on the 5.667% of viewers still watching this?

**Ghirahim: **No, I'm having an off day...

**Fi: **Why? Did Alex Mercer not scream loudly enough for you?**~According to my fellow author, this 'Alex Mercer' is the only one who could actually survive Ghirahim's torture.~Swordy**

**Ghirahim: **No, don't be stupid. I'm not getting that sloppy. No, my favourite TV show was cancelled: Gay Naked Mud Wrestling. And Link was due to appear on it next week...

**Link: *From off-stage* **Wait, what?

**Ghirahim: **Oh, I volunteered you. You'll thank me some day. Or you would have, if it hadn't been cancelled! Now, I need some questions to take my mind off my pain.

***Enter Samus, Ridley and a metroid***

**Fi: **Now, our first question comes in from Dark Ridley, who asks: **"Can you please beat up Ghirahim? Please? You're my favourite Nintendo villain!"**

**Ghirahim: **Dark Ridley? What, are you some kind of black Ridley?

**Sassy black woman: *From offstage* **Oh, Heeeell no!

**Ghirahim: **What? Who the hell said that?

**Ridley: **What?

**Ghirahim: **That black woman!

**Fi: **Information:the term 'black' can be interpreted as a racist insult. Also, I heard nothing. Ridley, answer the question.

**Ridley: **Beat him up? That sounds like it involves fighting and that could damage my delicate nerdy body...***Is suddenly wearing huge, thick glasses and suspenders***

**Samus: **Wimp. Real men fight for the enjoyment of women.***Is suddenly holding pom-poms***

**Ghirahim:**So Ridley's a nerd and Samus is a cheerleader? This is already getting interesting...

**Fi: **There is a 0.093% chance that anyone expected that.

**Ghirahim:** Our next question is for Ridley: **"Ridley, why are you so big?"** Wait, just to clear this up, by 'big', did you mean height or...

**Samus: **Oh,he's not big downstairs. I already checked.

**Ridley: **It's true, my genitalia are pretty small for my species.

**Fi: **Our next question is for both Ridley and Samus: **"What do you think of the idea of you guys as a couple?"**

**Samus: **Eww! Me and the nerd? No way!

**Ridley: **Eww! Girls are icky!

**Fi: **The next question is for... us?: **"Ghiarhim and Fi, why did you skip some of my questions? You'd better ask these NOW! I DON'T CARE IF FOX, FALCO AND WOLF AREN'T HERE, DO IT OR I'LL LOCK YOU IN A MAGIC SUCKING ROOM WITH NAVI AND THE DUCK HUT DOG!"**

**Ghirahim: **Magic sucking room? Sounds fun... Will Link be there?

**Fi:**That question is forfeit, as he spelled Ghirahim's name incorrectly. Us: 2 You: 0

**Ghirahim: **Our next question is from Duskzilla, who asks: **"Ridley, what are you exactly? A dragon? A dinosaur? SpaceGodzilla's brother?"**

**Ridley: **Don't be silly... I'm SpaceGodzilla's nerdy nephew. My father was Nerdzilla.

**Fi: **Our next question is for Samus:** "What do you think of the people who pair you with Captain Falcon, Snake or Link? (Personally, I think you should be with Sonic, but that's just me. Don't judge me!) Oh, yeah, Ghirahim? Insult my name again and you'll find a chaos emerald shoved up your-"**

**Ghirahim: **DUSKzilla? I get it, because dusk is dim and so are you! And we WILL judge you, you sick freak! I'm all for bestiality, but not with a woman!

**Fi: **...I expected better from you.

**Ghirahim: **I know, that was a terrible insult... The loss of my favourite TV show has hit me harder than I thought.

**Samus: **Well, I'm actually going out with Captain Falcon now. I was dating Ike, Snake and the Captain, but they found out I was cheating on them with the others and only Falcon was OK with it. Link? Hmm, he is a hottie-***gets tackled by Zelda***

**Zelda: **YOU SLUTTY***BEEP***! HOW DARE YOU CALL MY MAN A HOTTIE! LINK IS MY BABYCAKES! NO-ONE ELSE CAN HAVE HIM!GRAAA-***Gets carried off-stage by Lucario***

**Ghirahim: **Aaaaaanywaaaay... Our next question is from Plasmatroopa, who asks: **"Samus, did you know that Fi called you a b*tch?" **(Reeeeally subtle way to start a hot catfight)

**Samus: **She said WHAT!?GRAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!***Tackles Fi to the floor, ripping her top off***

**Fi:*Rips Samus' top open***

**Zelda:*Leaps on top of them both, ripping her own top off* **GRAAARRRGGGHHH! DIE, SLUTS!

**Snake:*Walks in* **GASP! WHY DID NO-ONE TELL ME THERE WAS A LESBIAN PARTY?

***One hot catfight later***

**Plasmatroopa:*walks off whistling innocently, holding Ghirahim's weapons***

**Ghirahim:*Castrates Plasmatroopa with a rusty knife* **Anyway, our next question is from ShiverInTheLight: **"Samus, which brawler do you have a crush on?"**

**Samus: **Well, Captain Falcon's pretty hot, but I like Ike's package, but Snake has the nicest arms, Marth used to be hot until he got that sex change, but Pit has a nice, slim body but...

***3.87 hours later***

**Samus: **I just can't decide!

**Fi:**You took 3.87 hours just to figure that out? Sigh... Our next question is from Silvio Uchimara: **"Samus, why do you hate men?"**

**Ghirahim: **Did you miss that big long speech she just gave? If so, I envy you.

**Samus: **I don't hate men! I like Captain Falcon because he's a hottie, but I like Ike's packa-

**Ghirahim: **No. Please, spare us the agony of another speech! Our next question is for Ridl**ey**:** "Why do you keep chasing Samus? Do you love her?"**

**Ridley: **No, she stole my calculator and now I need revenge.

**Samus: **What's a calcumalator?

**Fi:**Now, our final question is fr**om Link's Little Brother, **who asks: **"Samus, is it annoying to be hit on by men because of your chest?"**

**Samus: **I don't know what you mean.***Jumps up and down***

**Ghirahim: **And that's it for today. Next time we'll be interviewing Mario, Luigi, Peach and Bowser. So send in your questions!

**Cheery Voice: **Thanks for watching! Goodbye and Goodnight!

**Ganondorf and Metroid: **Don't we get any-

***Lights go out***


End file.
